Date:	2006-01-22 10:09
Subject:	I think I am way too picky
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	Evans Blue - Cold (But I'm Still Here)

This entry is going to be the same, yet completely different than most I write and is going to show a side of me that almost no one knows.

I believe that I have come to the conclusion that I am way too picky, but I just can't help it. It seems that if someone doesn't fit in with just one requirement that I look for in a partner that I just can't seem to hold interest in them. The more than I do, the more that I look for and if they're not really into something then I can't see myself feeling a real magnatism.

Example, I have come to the conclusion that I am a seriously kinky fucker. I'm sure many of you (that know me from forums and such) know that I have a bit of a perv streak, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. I have met really sweet girls, but if they have inhibitions, then I'm not really wanting to pursue anything. I have met girls as kinky as I am, but don't have the sweet side. I have met girls that are both sweet and kinky, but not interested in relationship. I've met girls interested in a relationship and are kinky, but are too responsible. I look for class and want something a little trashier. I find someone trashy and want more class. I look for someone who likes to be physical, but end up wanting someone just to hold. I look for someone to hold and want more physical. I find one kinky, wants a relationship, has a mix of class and has a bit of a trashy side, but we don't have the same taste in music and that doesn't hold my interest. I've met girls that might actually fit the mold, but are too far away.

What in the hell is wrong with me? I want someone who is a contradiction of what they were the previous day. At the same time, I want someone who I can count on. However, how can you count on someone that you have no idea how they're going to be one day to the next? I don't hold interest in those that throw themselves at me, but I don't hold interest in those that I have to really work on either.

I don't know what I'm expecting. Miss Perfect to come along and say "Here I am!"? I'm tired of the game. What's worse is that I'm bored of the game.

It is no wonder why I am and continue to stay single.

Date:	2005-12-31 15:45
Subject:	I canceled my plans for New Years
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	Sugarland - Just Might (Make Me Believe)

Yep... called them off and I almost called off other plans I made for tonight, but didn't... or least I haven't yet. Probably better not, otherwise I'll be at home tonight. Didn't do the first one because I basically figure out the day of that I'm not compatible with the one I was going with. My New Years resolution should be to not make plans because one way or the other, they end up being screwed. I should just go with whatever from now on.

This is my other resolution.

I'm not into head games, etc. I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship, however am not closed minded to one with the right person. When it comes to relationships, I believe that if it were meant to be, it will happen and shouldn't be forced into some mold. If I am in a relationship, I am as committed as can be, but if I'm not in one, then I just like to have fun.

Now, those are my own words. I just need to actually start living that way and start believing in it. I don't want to give up on the soulmate ideology that I've always had, but I also need to make myself more open to just enjoying life.

Happy New Years all.

And yes... *gasp*... That is a country song I'm listening to. Sorry, but that girl just has one helluva voice.

Date:	2005-12-23 17:49
Subject:	An update
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	The whir of a cpu fan spinning by AMD

I would just like to start off by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. I don't update a lot so next time I might be wishing you a happy St Patricks day or something.

First, I would just like to say that I had the biggest surprise of my life a couple of weeks ago. Cecily Lemond tracked me down on Yahoo Messenger and we picked up a chat session. It has been probably ten years since I saw her last. To recap, you'll have to view my livejournal entry from this past summer regarding her mom, Stacy Sorrell. Then last week, I spoke with Stacy's best friend, Carmen.

It was awesome getting to speak to both of you. Don't be strangers. I don't want to lose touch again.

Oh... and speaking of people just popping up out of the blue... who also but the WunderKinder. He just called a few minutes ago... and yes, being computer geeks, we talked about nerdy stuff. Oh... and booze. Had to do that just to offset the nerd factor.

Lastly...

i r teh sick, kthx.

Date:	2005-09-24 11:20
Subject:	Odd
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	The Mars Volta - The Widow

I just read one of Katie's recent journal entries. I talked to her a while back and for the first time in my life, I don't think I was able to give someone very good advice. I think it's because the situation that I am in is an exact mirror of hers. Since I can't fix myself, how can I fix a copy of myself?

On another note, there are so many things that I want to say to so many people and I just don't have it in me to do so. I worry way too much about what other people are going to think of me.

On another note and probably going back to the first. Problem is, how do I say this and still be as cryptic as possible?

No, I'm not pleased if you do that and it will never work with us if you do.

Yeah... guess that's the best I can do.

Date:	2005-09-08 15:53
Subject:	*sighs*
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed
Music:	Meh

This weekend is going to royally suck ass. I fucking hate my life.

I keep forgetting how to do a LJ cut, sorry. Apparently I've done a lot. In other news, things aren't *as* bad today.

(x) smoked a cigarette
( ) smoked a cigar
(x) smoked anything else
( ) made out with a member of the same sex
(x) crashed a friend's car
( ) stolen a car
(x) been in love
(x) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
(x) been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parent's house
(x) had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
(x) been arrested (doo-ee!)
(x) made out with a stranger
(x) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
(x) had a crush on a teacher
(x) skipped school
(x) slept with a co-worker
( ) seen someone die
(x) had a crush on one of your Livejournal friends
(x) been to Canada
(x) been to Mexico
(x) been on a plane
(x) thrown up in a bar/club (after one at least)
( ) purposely set a part of myself on fire
( ) eaten Sushi
(x) been snowboarding
(x) met someone in person from Livejournal
(x) been moshing at a concert
(x) been in an abusive relationship
(x) taken painkillers (yes, when I broke my finger)
(x) love someone or miss someone right now
(x) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
( ) had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
(x) used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set
(x) felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
( ) robbed someone
(x) been misunderstood
(x) pet a reindeer/goat
(x) won a contest)
(x) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(x) had detention
(x) been in a car accident
( ) had braces
(x) felt like an outcast
(x) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu
(x) danced in the moonlight
(x) hated the way you look
(x) witnessed a crime
( ) pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
( ) been obsessed with post-it note
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(x) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
(x) recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke
( ) paid for a meal with only coins
(x) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) been kissed under a mistletoe
(x) watched the sun set with someone you care about
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
(x) crashed a party
( ) Have Traveled more than 5 days with a car full of People
(x) gone rollerskating
(x) had a wish come true
( ) humped a monkey
( ) worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
( ) screamed penis in class
(x) ate dog/cat food (If a dog bisquit counts)
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) sang in the shower
( ) have a little black dress
(x) fucked in a park or pool
(x) had a dream that you married someone
(x) glued your hand to something
(x) got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (how about a freezer)
( ) kissed a fish
(x) worn the opposite sexes clothes (Nat put her shoes on me)
( ) been a cheerleader
(x) sat on a roof top
( ) had sex at a church
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(x) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
(x) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
(x) scared to watch scary movies alone
(x) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
( ) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) gone streaking
( ) played ding-dong-ditch (Who?)
( ) played chicken fight (What?)
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(x) broken a bone
(x) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it
(x) made porn
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
( ) cried so hard you laughed
(x) mooned/flashed someone
(x) had someone moon/flash you
(x) cheated on a test
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept naked
(x) French braided someones hair (I trid at least)
(x) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(x) been kicked out of your house

Date:	2005-09-04 17:19
Subject:	Staind - Track 9.. can't remember the name of it.
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

Well, things seem to be going fairly well with Nat, but I think she's starting to realize just how little there is to do around here. Unfortunately, I haven't gotten paid this week outside a couple of small accounts, so no money to really take her anywhere. Hope to God I get paid Tuesday, otherwise I could be in trouble. We're heading out to cheesey movie night out at the drive-in and she liked that place last weekend, so yay there.

I've also been torn because Stefanie is back in the picture somewhat. Not back in the picture so much as that we're actually a couple again, but we're friends again and I suppose have tried to work through some issues. Things didn't really go so well earlier today though and I think I really may have fucked myself by telling her some things I probably should have kept from her. No, not stuff that I've done wrong or whatever.. just stuff that she was probably better off not knowing. However, I can't lie to her about the way things are.

Everyone was right about what they said about me. I tried to deny it, even to myself, but looks like they were right. I would probably fall right back into all that in a heartbeat.

Date:	2005-08-21 23:56
Subject:	Damn this...
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	3 Doors Down - Landing in London

You know what really sucks? I love guitar and haven't played in such a long time because last summer I was in a boating accident and broke my left ring finger really badly. I was engaged to Stefanie at the time and she joked that I did it just to get out of having to get married. The knuckle after all this time is still swollen and honestly I don't know if I could ever wear a ring there. I also don't have full mobility with that one finger... I can't bend it all the way down even after the surgery, screws and physical therapy.

And since I'm right handed, that makes it very difficult to play... I guess I could try the whole Jimi Hendrix left hand thing, but that would be like learning to play all over again.

I picked it up for the first time in a long time earlier today though and just playing I remembered just how much it is an extension of who I am. How it could let out emotions that I've been storing up inside. How a light strum could sound a note from a feeling so soft and sweet to building up to something much stronger deep inside. Playing was a therapy for me. Picking it up let me deal with things that I had to hold in and could not talk to anyone else about. Even though I struggled today, it still seems to hold that for me. Though I don't have the callous fingers that I used to from playing all the time, I still played for hours and just running my fingers under warm water earlier, they burned like cuts and alcohol.

It's sad. I can't even open up to my journal. However, playing music says everything.

It's now after midnight and it's officially August 22nd. Nathalie will be here tonight. I can't even express how that is making me feel. I know I'm building up a wall again around myself... I'm retreating inside of a shell and *I Don't Like It*.

Just when I thought I had everything figured out. Just when I thought that I finally was the one that had control of my life. I realize that I don't. I realized that I... eh, fuck it.

Date:	2005-08-18 21:43
Subject:	:D
Security:	Public
Mood:	drunk

:D > :)

Things are going well and life is good.

Adam, I need you to get in touch with me. It involves money and you making it. I mean, ASAP.

On another note. I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking anything anymore.

Date:	2005-08-18 00:20
Subject:	Arrrgh!
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I just really wish things were different.

*nods*

I'll get around to posting and replying to stuff soon.

Date:	2005-08-14 20:04
Subject:	:)
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy

:)

Edits...

Computer still isn't fixed, so I can't reply to my journal comments or other's yet. I'll get around to fixing it before Monday.

Nat, I'm just smiling because things have been going better for me lately... I think they are at least. I dunno, it's just that things are a bit easier right now, things have actually been going my way more and various things I've been told have been to my benefit.

And happy birthday tymberlyn. Have a few on me.

Date:	2005-08-13 06:14
Subject:	Heh...
Security:	Public
Mood:	sleepy

Nathalie has just today received her first piece of mail at my address.

It's written in a girl's handwriting...

*ponders*

I think I should open it and see if it's hot lesbian photo action. :D

Nah, I would hate to be castrated right off the bat. I'm hoping for two weeks before that happens.

Anyway, I'm taking the boat off to the lake today with my sister and for the first time in months, I don't have anything planned for a Saturday night. That sucks. Oh, and my computer(s) are still screwed.

My computer for some reason will not allow me to post replies to comments in my LJ now. I suppose they use some javascript for that, thus... nope, can't do it.

Thus, my replies to Nat and Adam:

Nat: YES!!!!!

Adam: NO!!!

:D

*bows*

*edits journal to reply again*

Adam: Actually, as long as it's not AOL, you're golden.

Jordan: Nope, I can't reply at all to any journal entries or to anything that anyone has replied to mine. I was going to comment in your journal earlier in the one you posted about Nat, just to say I've got free long distance to Canada so she can call anytime and not to worry, she'll be in good hands.

The not putting things n her mouth that she doesn't know what it is though... damn... there goes my idea of feeding her roadkill soup. :D

Date:	2005-08-11 16:21
Subject:	My computer(s) is(are) hosed
Security:	Public
Mood:	indifferent
Music:	K's Choice - Song for Catherine

Okay, this has just gotten ridiculous.

Computer One: Installed some Windows Updates on XP Home Edition. "XXXX has encountered a problem and needs to close... blah blah". I get about 15 of these on start up. Java isn't working in IE and nearly every program I have won't run. System Restore isn't working here or in safe mode. chkdsk shows nothing, nada found in knowledge bases, and even tinkering around with of the more advanced stuff isn't doing anything. This is the computer I use the most and do all my work on. I'm not pleased.

Computer Two: The one in my bedroom upstairs. Fails to recognize any drives other than the master and secondary HD. Wireless connection up there worked for a while, but won't anymore and will not re-install the software for it.

Computer Three: My laptop. It's an old piece of crap and it isn't taking the wireless software either. Oh, and some of the keys have stopped working.

As far as life and how it's been treating me today. I'm walking the tightrope of happy and sad and thus just been a bit indifferent today. As long as I'm able to smile a few times though, I guess that makes it alright.

11 days until Nathalie gets here. Is that not wild?

Date:	2005-08-10 22:53
Subject:	LIB, M R FISH
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Mazzy Star - Fade Into You

M R FISH
M R NOT FISH
OSAR CDEDBD FINS?
LIB, M R FISH!

I dunno why I just thought of that. I think I'm regressing to early childhood or something. I was in a discussion with Nathalie yesterday about sounds we make and somehow "rubble rubble rubble!" came up in my mind. I think it was the Hamburgler from the old McDonalds commercials that said that, but I'm not sure.

Like I said, I'm really regressing.

I took Stefanie over to Frankfort today to pick up Kerrigan's birth certificate and pick up a few school clothes. She asked me to go, which kind of surprised me. I guess she just needed someone to talk to and vent about stuff that is going on. I suppose that was actually a good feeling. I was talking to her about the people I've dated since we split and how they've all been much younger than me. I'm regressing in age on the people I had been seeing too it seems.

Plus, we talked a bit about Nathalie coming down and my apprehension on keeping her entertained. I mean, she's coming from Halifax, which as far as I gather is actually somewhat of a big place and has all kinds of things to do and is artsy and actually has culture. The poor girl is coming to Mount Sterling, KY which has... cows. She'll be here for Court Day which turns our little 15,000 person place into several hundred thousand for a weekend and she'll get to see thousands of rednecks with guns walking around.

Stefanie agrees with me though. At least Lexington is close, but regardless, we have nothing like "the fence" and movies in the park and such. Hopefully, a week after she gets here we'll be making a trip down to Okracoke Island to a beach house and we can just hang out there.

Yeah... so one week down for entertainment and nearly two more months of entertaining to go.

I'm so fucked. :D

Date:	2005-08-08 19:01
Subject:	Mixed feelings
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	Smashing Pumpkins - Starla

I've seen the kids for the first time in months over the last few days. I took the youngest two out to get some school clothes and hung out with the oldest three Saturday afternoon. I have REALLY enjoyed these last few days.

I really hated her after everything that happened. I thought that if I ever saw her again, I would be able to hold on to that anger and tell her exactly where she should go.

But here it is, I get around the kids and her again and that anger evaporates immediately. I love those kids with everything I am. And apparently I still care very much for her.

In love? No, I certainly don't think so. But still give a damn? Yes...

...and that really bothers me.

I really can't wait for Nathalie to get here. I think I'm going to tackle that girl when I actually see her.

Date:	2005-05-24 18:32
Subject:	What a lousy freakin' day
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	K's Choice - Everything for Free

Today has been worthless. I've felt worse today than I have in a long time. Long story and I don't really want to go into it on a public thing. Dunno why I even mentioned it.

On a better note, I re-discovered K's Choice today. I used to love them and just started listening to some of their old stuff again. K's Choice rocks.

Date:	2005-05-16 16:04
Subject:	i r the alcoholic and other updates
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	Yellow Ledbetter - Pearl Jam

I beat Adam on the alcohol test. Hah! And I'm severely out of practice too...

In other news, I had a great conversation with someone I hadn't spoken to in seven years or so today. That was fun. We're going to be doing lunch soon, but that may interfere with my trip to Chicago.

Speaking of Chicago, it's a damn shame I can't go into much more detail about it other than that I am going up there for a convention representing a company I do some work for. The convention and the trip itself isn't the interesting part, but I can't say what is... :( Damn secret stuff.

Bacardi 151 Congratulations! You're 132 proof, with specific scores in beer (120) , wine (83), and liquor (95).

All right. No more messing around. Your knowledge of alcohol is so high that you have drinking and getting plastered down to a science. Sure, you could get wasted drinking beer, but who needs all those trips to the bathroom? You head straight for the bar and pick up that which is most efficient.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 56% on proof You scored higher than 94% on beer index You scored higher than 84% on wine index You scored higher than 87% on liquor index

Link: The Alcohol Knowledge Test written by hoppersplit on Ok Cupid

Date:	2005-03-14 17:22
Subject:	Stacy Sorrell 1971-1997
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

Morehead - Stacy Lynn Sorrell, 26, of 3775 CCC Trail, Morehead, died Friday, Dec. 26, at the St. Claire Medical Center, Morehead after a lengthy battle with colon cancer.

She was born April 1, 1971 in Dayton, Ohio to Brenda Sorrell Gregory of Morehead.

She was a member of Saint Julie's Catholic Church in Owingsville, was graduate of Rowan Senior High School, a student at Morehead State University and a former Boy Scout Leader.

She worked with the Family Resources Center at Clearfield Elementary School, was a member of the drama team in high school, and a member of the Round Table in Praise on Mountain Women. She helped publish the newsletter for Circle of Care Cancer Support Group and was a member of the group, and she belonged to the AmeriCorps Volunteers of America under the Clinton Administration.

Surviving with her mother, are one daighter, Cecily LeMond and one brother, Brittan Andrews, both of Morehead.

Also surviving are her grandparents, Herbert and Jaqueline Sorrell and her extended family, Bill Grimes, Carmen Black, Alan Rice, Kim Eldridge, Mary Wescott, Mary Beth Greeley, Sonata Bohen, Betty Eldridge and her church family at Saint Julie's Catholic Church.

Visitation is from noon Saturday until funeral time at the Northcutt & Son Home for Funerals.

Memorial services were scheduled for 2 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 3, 1998 at the Northcutt & Son Home for Funerals Memorial Chapel with Father Pete Richardson and Deacon Bill Grimes officiating.

A Funeral Mass will be held at 7 p.m. Saturday evening, Jan. 3, 1998 at the Saint Julie's Catholic Church in Owingsville.

******************

I dated Stacy years ago. She was one of my few serious relationships that I've ever had. I had tried looking her up from time to time throughout the years, but never was able to find her. Looking back on things, the last time I saw her was when she had gone into remission and I was with her on her daughter's birthday. Stacy always had a way of making me feel good about myself, even when I probably shouldn't.

I found out today that she is no longer with us. I stumbled across a bit of information that told me this. At first I was in denial, then it sunk in. I kept trying to tell myself it wasn't possible because it doesn't seem like all that long ago that I was at Cecily's birthday... apparently that was just a few months before she passed.

So I drove over to Morehead today to find out for sure and look through the microfilm of an old newspaper in the obituaries. I made a copy of it and have posted it here, word for word.

Her birthday is coming up, but I won't be able to visit her. She was cremated, just like she told me she wanted to be. I drove down my where she lived and driving there, nothing much had changed and it all seemed like yesterday when I used to go there as often as possible. What has changed though is that her old small house had been torn down and there was nothing more than an outline of what was once there.

There's more than just that outline in my heart though. Stacy, you were one of the best people I've ever met in my life. I wish I could have been there for you all along, I just wasn't ready.

I wish I could have been there for you in the end. My last memory of you so happy at Cecily's birthday will be with me forever. You'll be with me forever.

Love always,

Chris